Blue Neighbourhood
by HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus
Summary: It takes so long to conquer someone's heart, but it is so easy to break it. How? Avert your eyes, walk away, and don't look back. /The story from Troye's Blue Neighbourhood Trilogy. Warnings: Well, if you've seen the videos, you know what to be warned for.


**A/N:** I decided to make this because I love Troye soooo much and _Blue Neighbourhood_ is a piece of art. This will tell the story of Troye and Matt, and their struggles against alcoholism, abuse and homophobia. It's the same story as the music videos, but don't expect me to be much clearer or more specific than them; I tried to add as little as possible to the story we already know, so OPEN ENDING ALERT.

I did something special with the funeral scene. You might know the theory that says it's Troye's funeral instead of the dad's, and that Troye's image is a ghost, so only Matt sees him, so the girlfriend gives weird looks and stuff. Well, regardless of which theory you believe, my version still makes sense.

Just to be clear, I hate homophobia with every fibre of my body, so I am strongly against the use of the f-word that rhymes with 'bag'. I only use it here because Matt's dad used it in the video.

And no, I was not crying while I wrote this. My mom just wouldn't stop cutting onions.

If you don't like slashiness, character death or open endings, don't read. (Actually, if you have something against gay people, just get out of my sight.)

* * *

(Troye)

 _Trying hard not to fall  
on the way home  
you were trying to wear me down_

I walked through the streets. The late afternoon sun casted long shadows on the asphalt. I looked back at the house one more time, but I could only see boats with peeling white paint. I looked forwards again as I tried not to fall. I was exhausted of what happened in the last hours.

 _Kissing up on fences and up on walls  
on the way home  
I guess it's all working out, now_

How did we come here?

I remembered how we used to play together. We were always together, me and Matt. I remembered how we used to ride through the forest on our mountain bikes. How we used to sneak through the garden when the laundry was drying and pretended to have large claws by attaching pegs to our fingers. How we used to play videogames in his room for hours. How we used to wander around the beach, searching for crabs or squids. How we used to run and jump off the pier and pretend it was a huge cliff. We promised that when we were older, we would dive into the sea from a real cliff. Together.

' _Cause there's still too long to the weekend  
too long till I drown in your hands  
too long since I've been a fool_

We got older and went to separate schools. We could only meet in the weekend and we didn't have as much time or childlike fantasy. We grew apart a little more each week.

But then there was the kiss. It was so unexpected, yet we both knew what was coming. We were walking on the beach, talking about nothing in particular, when an awkward silence fell. He suddenly stopped, and I stopped too. We looked in each other's eyes for minutes, barely noticing the shortening distance between them. We knew what was happening, and we both felt like we had built up to that moment for our entire lives. By the time our lips met, the sounds of the sea had faded to the background and I wished the moment would never end.

It eventually had to end, but we felt better than we ever had before.

We kissed again several times after that, but it had never been clear if we were boyfriends. I was sure I was gay, but he had a hard time discovering his sexuality. It was hard for him to accept it, especially since his dad would probably kick him out if he ever knew. But he certainly loved me, and I loved him with all my heart.

We had agreed to meet again this afternoon. I came to the boats close to his house and found him working on a boat with his father, scraping loose paint.

"Hi Matt," I said as I approached them. His face lighted up when he saw me.

"Hi Troye," he said as he cleaned his hands on the overall he was wearing. "Is it okay if I stop for today, dad?" he asked. His dad mumbled something that sounded confirming as he went back to work.

"Mister Eriksson," I said before following Matt to the house.

"Troye," he simply greeted back.

He had known me for as long as Matt had. He was friends with my dad, and they used to hang out a lot. It was fun, because that meant I got to hang out with Matt a lot too. They didn't hang out that much anymore though, since the incident on the barbecue.

When we entered the house, Matt started to take off his overall. "Do you mind waiting in my room while I change to something better looking?" he asked.

"Sure, go ahead," I said as I sat down on his bed while he walked to the bathroom. While he was changing, I looked around the room. I saw pictures of him and his dad, while fishing or on holiday. I saw pictures of us from when we were kids. Pictures of his mother.

He entered the room, now wearing a dark grey shirt. He sat down on the bed next to me. "We should talk," I said as I pulled up my legs so I was completely on the bed.

He looked worried. "What, is something wrong?"

"It's just… What are we right now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are we friends? Are we a couple? Are we friends with benefits?"

He stayed silent for half a minute before sighing. "Troye, I don't want anything more than to be with you, but I just can't," he said as he put his head on my shoulder. I hugged him tightly. "My dad…" he said with a trembling voice, "He would kill me."

 _Leave this blue neighbourhood  
never knew loving could hurt this good  
and it drives me wild_

"But… You shouldn't let your dad decide if you can be happy or not!"

"But how can I live a life where I'm rejected by my own father, and mocked by society?"

"How can I live a life without you?"

' _Cause when you look like that  
I've never ever wanted to be so bad  
it drives me wild_

We broke our hug and I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. They still had a sad look in them, but they were still so beautiful.

I leaned closer to him. "You're driving me wild."

* * *

(Matt)

 _You make my heart shake  
bend and break  
but I can't turn away and it's driving me wild_

I cried with no tears on Troye's shoulder.

But when he said "How can I live a life without you?" I seemed to forget about everything. We parted and I looked into his magnificent blue eyes. They reminded me of the endless sea. Beautiful, but you have to be careful not to drown.

"You're driving me wild," he said. Before I knew what was happening, his lips were on mine and we were kissing passionately. His hands found the hem of my shirt and he pulled it over my head. The split second we had to part for him to be able to do that felt like such a loss, and I crashed my lips back on his immediately. He gently pushed against my chest, and I let myself fall back on my bed.

* * *

I was still sitting on my bed, long after Troye left. I had put on all of my clothes again and I had taken a shower. My fingers slowly slipped through my hair. I heard a crash and breaking glass. My dad was probably drunk again.

His drinking problem had started with mom's death, more than ten years ago. He started to drown his sorrows by emptying crates of beer every day. He thought I never noticed, but I could see it in his eyes and smell it in his breath. He tried to keep it a secret, but everybody knew after the barbecue.

It was a bright and sunny day, in the middle of the summer. We were invited to a barbecue on the beach, and Troye would be there too. When we walked onto the beach, my dad carrying a small plastic bag and me carrying a toy sword and pirate hat, we were welcomed by a group of people. Troye was the first to reach us, and he hugged me. Troye's dad gave me a high-five and my father a handshake. Troye and I didn't stay long, we went to play further on the beach and in the woods. But when we suddenly heard someone yelling, we returned as quickly as possible. I saw my dad pushing someone. Troye's dad got up and placed his hand on my dad's shoulder, but he shook it off and got aggressive. He started yelling awful things and looked like he was about to punch Troye's dad in the face, but I reached him before he could do any harm. I begged him to stop, and saw the beer in his hand clearly wasn't the first he had that day. He kept making wide gestures with his hands, as if he was challenging the other man, but eventually he turned around and walked off, dragging me with him. He threw his beer on the ground, and I looked back to see Troye standing with his dad's arm around him protectively, watching us as we disappeared behind a dune.

I got to know the sounds of my dad when he was drunk. He would usually mutter unintelligible words or sing songs in a loud voice. He would often smash his bottle on the ground when it was empty, and when he walked, it was with heavy, irregular steps.

But those steps were now coming this way.

I cocked my head up as my bedroom door opened and my dad came in. His hair was a mess and he looked very angry.

"Why does he keep coming here?" he asked as he pointed at a picture of Troye standing on my desk.

"What? What do you mean?"

"You think I never noticed what you two do?" he yelled.

I rose from my bed. "Dad, what on earth are you talking about?" He grabbed my shirt and pulled me against him. I turned my head away at the scent of alcohol.

"Hey, look at me!" he commanded. "Are you a fag?"

"No, of course not!"

He violently pushed me onto my bed. I tried to cover my face with my hands, but he pinned my wrists onto the mattress. I looked at his red face, almost begging him to stop. His fist landed on my face. Multiple times. I pulled one of my hands free and tried to push him away, but he was stronger. I blindly kicked with my leg and used the split second his grip weakened to pull myself free and crawl back until I felt the wall against my back. I pushed myself into the corner and made myself as small as possible. I expected him to hit me again, but instead he did something that hurt me even more.

"If he's back here one more time," he yelled, "I'll kill both of ya!"

The last thing I remember, is crying for endless hours.

* * *

(Dad)

Was I a monster?

I asked myself that question over and over again as I sat at the table in the garden. I emptied another bottle in my glass and I watched my hand. The hand I used to beat my own son. I could still feel him.

I had done what had to be done. I couldn't let that Troye take him away from me. The last thing I had left of her. She would be so ashamed if she was still here. If I didn't do anything, he would take my own son from me, and corrupt his mind with all their disgusting ideas.

I was not the monster.

He was.

* * *

(Troye)

 _I am tired of this place, I hope people change  
I need time to replace what I gave away  
and my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small  
though I try to resist I still want it all_

I was walking the same road again, in the opposite direction of yesterday afternoon. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but I somehow feared what would happen when I arrived. He had answered none of my texts or any other messages since I got home yesterday, but I knew he read them.

I found him on the same spot, working on the same boat with the same person, and wearing the same clothes. But it still was so different. Because what I saw in his eyes when he noticed me this time was not happiness.

* * *

(Matt)

Oh no. Why did he come. As soon as I spotted him, I panicked.

"Why is he here?" I heard my dad started to move, but I turned around and stopped him. "It's okay dad, I'll send him away!" He stopped and nodded, but didn't let us escape his gaze.

I walked towards Troye who had a confused look on his face. "Matt? Is something-"

"You should go."

"What?"

"You should leave now."

"What do you mean? Why? Oh my god, have you been crying?" he asked as he lifted his hand to my face, which I now realised must have looked horrible after the previous events. I forced his arm back down.

"Troye, believe me, it's better if you go away right now."

"What's going on, Matt? Why are you talking me down like that?"

"Please Troye," I begged him. "Just go."

The look in his eyes as he turned around. I can't describe how horrible it made me feel.

* * *

(Troye)

 _I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes  
I see a little house on a hill and children's names_

He didn't look back. After he blatantly sent me away, he just returned to his dad, without looking back. It was clear he didn't want me to come back anymore.

 _I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray  
but everything is shattering and it's my mistake_

I buried my hands in my pockets and walked away. I wasn't thinking about where I was going, but I noticed I was leading myself back home.

I felt used. I felt broken. I felt deceived. But I also felt stupid. And blind. I had been too foolish to see that this would eventually happen.

 _Only fools fall for you, only fools  
only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

I walked until I was home. I climbed up the stairs and looked down from the balcony. I used to watch him from up here, when he returned back home on his mountain bike. But all those happy memories now brought mixed feelings with them.

Was this really what he wanted?

* * *

(Matt)

"Why did he come her?"

"It's okay dad, he's gone. He won't return."

My dad smiled. "Come here." He put his arm around my shoulder.

I couldn't believe it. I never thought I would be able to break Troye's heart, but I just did it. So easily. And now I was being congratulated for it.

I smiled back at my dad. It was the fakest smile I ever smiled.

* * *

(Troye)

It was now five days ago since I last spoke to him, and I still couldn't keep my mind off it. I decided to take a walk, I thought that would clear my mind.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was walking past a football field, or some other sport, I don't care, because then I saw him. He was walking towards me. With a girl.

 _Oh our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this  
we've got differences and impulses and your obsession with  
the little things, you like stick, I like aerosol  
I don't give a fuck, I'm not giving up, I still want it all_

I recognised her. She used to be in our school. Julia Something. Often labelled as 'the prettiest girl of the entire school'. I can't remember how many times I saw her staring at Matt during lunch.

I tried to calm the upcoming jealousy. _Maybe they're just meeting again after all these years._

As they got closer, I heard her talking to him. I didn't listen to what she said, but I tried to make eye contact with Matt.

He didn't even look at me once.

I followed them with my eyes as they walked past me, just as if I wasn't there. As I turned my head around as far as I could, I saw him moving his hand close to hers. As soon as he grabbed her hand, I turned my head back around as quickly as possible.

 _Only fools fall for you, only fools  
only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

I didn't look back anymore. I never would. It only makes you regret it.

* * *

(Matt)

Why was he always on the wrong place at the worst time possible?

I wanted to talk to him, explain things, but I couldn't when my dad or my 'girlfriend' were with me. I was pretty sure my dad controlled my messages, and every time I left the house, he asked me where I was going.

I was being watched constantly to make sure I would never speak to him again.

Three days ago, I sent Julia a message. I wanted an excuse to be able to leave the house more often, and I wanted to please my dad.

He was very pleased.

When she first came to our house, my dad welcomed her better than he had ever welcomed anybody in years. He asked her if she wanted to drink something, or if we would rather go into town. There was hope again for his son.

And here I was now, walking next to her, as Troye approached us. She just continued talking, and I pretended to listen as I saw Troye in the corner of my eye. I don't know why, but I avoided eye contact.

As we walked past him, I grabbed her hand. Not in a platonic way, but in a boyfriend/girlfriend way. Why? I don't know. Did I want him to see it? I don't know, but I'm almost certain he did.

"Hey, wasn't that… what's his name… Wasn't that Troye just now?" she asked as she looked back. I just mumbled something. "Why didn't you say hello?" she continued. "Wasn't he like, your best friend back in school?" I mumbled again. "Oh, sorry, did something happen between the two of you?"

"Julia, please just leave it alone."

* * *

 _(Two weeks later)_

(Troye)

 _I wanna sleep next to you  
but that's all I wanna do right now_

What was I doing here? I wasn't supposed to be here.

 _And I wanna come home to you  
but home is just a room full of my safest sounds_

I did it for Matt. He needed me.

' _Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3AM shadow  
I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone_

I watched as he stood before the grave. Julia was standing next to him and gently squeezed his shoulder.

 _I wanna sleep next to you  
but that's all I wanna do right now_

Nobody seemed to notice me. They just sadly watched the freshly turned dirt and put dark purple flowers on it.

 _So come over now  
and talk me down_

He bit his lip to stop himself from crying. His eyes stared at the name carved in the cold stone.

At the end of the day, he still loved that person. I saw it.

* * *

(Matt)

I just stood there, watching the tombstone that looked as dead as the person underneath it was.

Dead.

I couldn't believe he was dead. Gone. Forever.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. I heard silent sobs from nearby guests. _What are they crying about?_ I wondered. _They barely knew him half as well as I did._

I felt Troye's presence. I didn't move my eyes to see, because I didn't know if I wanted to see him. I would feel so guilty if looked into those sky blue eyes again. I would drown.

I felt her hand grab mine. I heard the priest muttering Latin words about a father and a son. A holy spirit. A man.

The other guests started to leave, and Troye's presence started to fade. I sank down to my knees before the grave and grabbed Julia's hand on my shoulder. She got the message and left along with the priest.

I stayed there, on my knees, I don't know for how long. A cold wind rose and I finally left the grave. I didn't want to see it anymore.

I walked between the graves, not knowing where I was going. I wondered if every grave had so much sadness around it. So many lost memories, so many untold things.

I saw him. He was sitting on some stairs, his back turned towards me. I slowly approached him and moved my hand to touch his shoulder with the tips of my fingers.

* * *

(Troye)

 _I wanna hold hands with you  
but that's all I wanna do right now_

I felt someone touch my shoulder. I turned my head and there he was. He didn't even look surprised, or sad. Just ashamed.

 _And I wanna get close to you  
'cause your hands and lips still know their way around_

I grabbed his face, to avoid him from averting his eyes.

"It's not your fault," I whispered. He hugged me.

In that hug, I could feel everything. His sadness, his anger, his guilt, his fear. His love.

And then I saw her.

* * *

(Matt)

I just hugged him. I didn't think about anything, I just did what felt right. I pressed him against him, and I would never want to let go. And then I found the courage to finally say what I had wanted to say for so long.

"I love you, Troye."

I felt him stir. I wondered if I said something wrong, but when we parted, I saw a dark spot in the corner of my eye. A black dress.

"Matt? What the hell are you doing?"

I looked at my girlfriend down the stairs. I looked back up to Troye. I heard my father's words again, echoing in my head. Something in me broke.

 _You know I like to draw that line when it starts to get too real  
but the less time that I spend with you, the less you'll need to heal_

I looked into his eyes one last time. _I'm sorry, Troye._ _I can't do this. I can't live like this._

I walked down and grabbed her. "Come with me," I said.

"What was going on up there? Hey, answer me! Why are you… hey!" she screamed as I pulled her with me.

Once again, I didn't look back.

* * *

I watched as the waves splashed into a white cloud on the rocks beneath me.

 _But I wanna sleep next to you_

I had left her with some other guests and said I needed some time alone, and I automatically ended up here.

 _And that's all I wanna do right now_

I watched the blue ocean that reminded me so much of those eyes I probably would never see again. An endless grave. A safe place to keep your secrets.

 _And I wanna come home to you_

I had lost everything. I had lost my dad. I had lost Troye. But most of all, I had lost myself, and that was too much for me to take.

 _But home is just a room full of my safest sounds_

I remembered a promise we made years ago, on that pier. A promise that still had to be kept.

But I would have to do it alone.

 _So come over now_

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

 _And talk me down_


End file.
